In this video, we're gonna be discussing how to become less defensive. So stay tuned, because here we go. Welcome to accidentally intentional, where our goal is to build rich relationships and destroy loneliness in the process, we're discussing how to be less defensive, because if you become less defensive, all of your relationships are going to get better and richer. And I'm just going to start off by saying that there's a lot of videos out there on this topic. And I've watched a lot of them in my quest to become less defensive. And the one key thing that seemed to be missing in all the videos is someone talking not at you, but with you and working on becoming less defensive in their own life. Can I be honest with you, getting defensive, is my biggest struggle when it comes to relationships. And I'm going to explain why shortly. But this video is going to be a little different, because it's not just talking high level of what is happening in your brain, when you're defensive, we're not getting sciency, we're actually getting tactical in talking about real action steps you can take and I tried to condense what is probably a year's worth of therapy, into this very video to help you so that by the end of this video, you walk away with actual steps, you can take an action you can take to become a less defensive person, we are doing this thing together, you and I were working on ourselves, we're working on becoming less defensive. And all the steps I'm going to outline today actually don't involve or need another person to also be doing the same thing as you everything that we're discussing is what's in your power and what you can control when it comes to your actions and responses. So there's gonna be three parts to this video. The first part is when someone does or says something to you that you don't like. That's the first part, we're going to discuss how to be less defensive in that specific scenario. Part two of this video is going to be immediate actions you can take, right when you feel your body triggering in that defensive posture that it normally gets in. And the third part is when someone's actually sharing how they feel, or something that you did to them. And instead of immediately responding defensively, here's some new tools that you can use to work through that type of conversation. Something I've been working on for years is my defensive posture. And it actually got to a point where I realized I needed to actually seek out some counsel on this and have someone teach me tools and practices and, and wrestle with this alongside me, to help me understand how to actually become less defensive. And so on top of therapy and counseling, a huge game changing book, for me was actually the book never split the difference by Chris boss. And I can link it at in this episode in the description. But it was huge, because it's a book normally on negotiation, but there's so many incredible tools on communication that have really helped me through this conundrum of being defensive in my life. You're watching this video, because you've at least self identified and have the self awareness to understand that you get defensive sometimes, which is great, because that's honestly, the first part we need to all be on the same page about. So let's say that there's a scenario where someone says something or does something to you, and you immediately are triggered, right? What do you do? What do you do in this exact scenario, when your body has put a GPS pin in moments like this, and they're telling you to be defensive? Well, the first step is to pause, boom, right there pause as if the world goes in slow motion, and figure out what's going on right now, that pause is actually huge, because the pause allows your brain to think here's a fun nerdy fact for you. It takes 400 milliseconds for our brain to form a thought. And so whenever you give even the slightest pause, you're helping your body understand, well hang on now, we might not need to be up in arms about this whole scenario. And so the second step after pausing is thinking through why am I defensive? Now for some of you, you might have done some deep work on this and you realize that there's an actual event that you can tie you being defensive to, like a game changing moment in your life, where you realized I have been in fight or flight ever since this point. And for me, honestly, it comes from a bullying experience that I faced in high school. I was bullied for 18 months straight. I've actually done a podcast episode on it a couple years ago, sharing that whole story. But of course, I'm not gonna go into it now. The point is, I was able to identify what the actual beginning part of where I started becoming defensive was, and I think that's important, because when you can point to the origin, you're able to dig at the root of it and help redirect yourself from there. And I realized that whenever my body's getting defensive, it's almost putting me in this fist up position, like, alright, we got to fight, fight or flight mind is literally fight and fight some more. That's the posture that I tend to stay in, in these moments. And I can trace it back to two things that make me get defensive, being misunderstood, or being mischaracterized. Those are things that I absolutely hate. And the worst part about it is, they're out of my control, I cannot make someone think a certain way about me, all I can do is focus on what I can control it. So maybe you can relate because maybe somebody says something to you. And your brain interprets it as a remark where you're thinking, they're not on my team. How did you do that, to me, there's your brains lighting up, you're like, Oh, they're out to get us, we must fight now, when in reality, it's someone saying something to you, who actually loves you, and is definitely on your team. And so before you even get to the place of being defensive, your body starts alerting you now that could look different to different people. Here's what my brain does, when I'm getting defensive. As I can feel that escalation happening, my heart rate is getting quicker, my ears and my face, get hotter, get warmer, for sure. And my breathing starts to get quicker. And also my voice starts to escalate, I start to get much louder, almost to the point where I'm going to be screaming if I don't calm it down soon. And that recognizing what's happening in your body is critical. Because that's where you have to intervene and start taking actions on what to do next. So let's say that you're feeling all of these things, but you want to proceed anyways to try and figure this out. Now I say that because we're going to learn some techniques later on in the video, which can include taking a 20 minute break, or certain things like that, that can help your body get back to normal homeostasis. But let's just say, for this example, you want to proceed. So the next step, after you've paused after you're figuring out why, why am I getting defensive, right now, step three is finding an emotion that you're feeling. Now, you might have just heard that and you're like, That's so stupid. I don't want to find an emotion. What are we five, I don't know, if some people really hate feelings and emotions, because they're thinking, I don't, I'm not really a feelings person. Well, there's actually this beautiful tool called the emotions wheel, which I didn't realize how impactful it would be until I started using it. It has over 100 emotions in it to help you use to identify, Okay, this is actually what I'm feeling right now. And so that's important to us, because you might not have an emotion wheel on you. But you want to learn to identify what you're feeling inside. Because when you use a statement, like I feel upset by a comment you made, that actually does something amazing in the conversation, because you're redirecting it, and I'll explain that next. But some people get this step wrong. I've been guilty of that. A lot of times, I just would use an I feel statement to mask anything rude that I wanted to say, for instance, I could say something, I feel like you're being rude. That's not a feeling. I don't feel anything, what I'm saying what I'm trying to pretend I'm not saying is you're being really rude right now. But that's not going to help the conversation at all. So it truly needs to be an I feel, insert emotion, personalize it, you're talking about yourself, you're not pointing a finger, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel frustrated, etc. When you use these I feel statements. You're stating how it makes you feel and redirecting it to test the assumption which is the next step in this because by stating how you feel it immediately keeps the conversation focused on getting to an actual resolution and not throwing pointing fingers and the blame game and all the craziness that could ensue otherwise, and so the undercurrent of defensiveness, especially for me, has been making assumptions on my own. And so step four is test the assumption. was their intention to hurt me? Yes, no, maybe so, but it's okay. I don't actually get to answer that for myself. Testing the assumption means bringing it to that other person's attention. So let's play this out. Let's say that If someone said something that felt like an offhanded, rude comment, what I would normally do, if I was getting super defensive is why would you say that to me? Well, obviously, that's not gonna go, Well, my heart rate, my tone, everything just skyrocketed up putting the other person back into a defensive posture equally. What I could say instead is, hey, that really sounded kind of mean did. Did you mean to say a comment that would hurt my feelings? Now, that sounds so silly, and so like, ooh, vulnerable. And that's what it is. But immediately just hearing that my body calmed down, even though I was the one saying it. Because I'm giving someone the room and the space to say, oh, my gosh, no, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come across like that at all. And testing, the assumption is always to your benefit. Because if we don't get that up and out of our body, and question those thoughts, people can really turn into bad guys. And you can easily fall into a trap of thinking the entire world is against you. Unless you have the courage and the vulnerability to ask. And people that love you are actually going to be really grateful that you ask them and allow them to correct or clarify what they said, what they did what they meant. And right here, I just want to talk about assumption journaling. I spoke about it in the last episode, but it's been a huge help to me. Dr. John Maloney speaks about it in his show where basically, it's this concept that every time you have this thought, That's an assumption that you're making, you have to write down the assumption and test it, is this true? If the person isn't actually there with you, or you don't have the opportunity to ask them directly, then you can't believe that it is you, you can create scenarios in your mind that are negative. And you can also create scenarios that are positive. For instance, let's say my best friend doesn't text me back for a whole day. And I'm like, Oh, my god, does she hate me? Oh, my god, does she hate me? I'm writing it down. Then, when you put it on paper, you're like, well, that's kind of crazy. Just because she didn't text you back. No, maybe she's just busy. And or maybe she forgot, maybe it was one of those times where she looked at her phone, mentally responded but forgot to respond in person. So assumption journaling is a great exercise for that. So basically, to recap the steps of someone says something or someone does something and you're immediately ready to go crazy and defend yourself. Step one, pause. Step two, figure out why am I getting defensive? Right Now step three, find an emotion you're feeling and then use an I feel statement to vulnerably. State what you're feeling, then step four, test that assumption. And oftentimes, step three and four can be coupled together. And I feel this was that your intention? Something like that. That's how it can work for you. So I hope that gives you a good framework to help you at least immediately start understanding how to become less defensive in scenarios where you normally would become defensive. And so the second part of this video is immediate, actual actions you can take when you catch yourself getting defensive, and I've learned a myriad of tools, but I'm gonna give you seven that I have actually been using, and that have proven to be very helpful for me, that will, you know, they've been tested, and they work. So the first tool is deep breathing. Now, it's one thing to say, breathe, chill, which, you know, if you say chill to somebody, they're never going to chill. And saying, breathe. Sounds silly. But breathing techniques are really helpful for this. There's something called Box breathing, where you inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, then do it again, inhale for four, boom, boom, boom, and do the same cycle over and over again, about 10 times or so that can help slow your heart rate down a little bit. But deep breathing, and doing meditation kind of exercises with your breathing has proven to be really helpful for me, in fact, not a sponsor, but I use the calm app, and I usually do a five to 10 minute breathing, exercise a couple of times a week to just get my body in the rhythm of, Hey, it's okay. This is what breathing and being at peace feels like, so that I'm learning this behavior and my body is able to go back to that place because it's becoming more familiar. So that's one tool is deep breathing and using kind of breathing meditation exercises. The second tool is being curious, which we're going to talk about more soon. But oftentimes, when we're being defensive, we're not being curious. And so one of the things that I'll tell myself in a moment, like this, when I'm feeling myself getting defensive, is I say, be a curious podcaster right now. And I say that because as a podcaster, when I do interviews, I'm extremely curious. I want to know why someone's thinking that way. I have so many questions for them. And so I have to remind myself, Hey, you are a curious person. And you can get back to that place of curiosity. Because if you're curious, is immediately putting your mind in a different place, you're thinking about somebody else, and not yourself, let alone defending yourself, your actions, etc. Tool number three, that's been really helpful for me is what would future me say to do right now? Now, this is a kind of an emotional one, because future me is someone who rarely gets defensive, and rarely gets upset, or angry. Because I've done so much work to put that part that likes to jump out and jump forward so often back where it belongs, and that's in the passenger's seat. And so I loved asking myself that question, because it immediately repositions me to where my head should be in these scenarios. Number four, is actually putting your hand on your heart, it doesn't necessarily need to be your heart could be your neck, maybe it's maybe it's your your bicep, hold your hands, something like that. Now, there is something that happens when the power of touch occurs. On our bodies, it's, it's essentially, our nervous system, going back to an emotionally regulated state. And I'm not going to speak a lot about that, because I'm not a therapist. And I'm certainly not a scientist who studies this. But I just know that it's been recommended to me. And it's proven to be really helpful. So my technique is actually putting my hand on my heart. And I'll rub it like this slowly. And it's a reminder to me to, hey, calm that heart down a little bit, you're okay, you're safe, nobody's out to get you. Another tool is actually counting backwards down from seven. So 765. You know, obviously, you know how it goes. But even just counting backwards helps put a gap so that your body and your words, especially can pause, so that you have a moment to think, breathe, and then choose how you're going to react. And then another tool, I talked about it briefly at the beginning, but call a 20 minute timeout, and 20 minutes is what the research has shown to prove is the time it takes for our nervous system to actually get back to homeostasis as in a normal state. And I actually heard one time a friend say that they had a three and a half hour fight him, him and his spouse. And they were probably only talking for 45 minutes of it, because they call that many 20 minute timeouts. Now you might hear that and you might be like, what a waste of time, like, come on, you gotta pick this thing up. Well, maybe that but in reality, that fight had they continued on and not taking breaks, would have probably taken seven full nights to get through. But because they were able to keep calling timeouts worked at it five to 10 minutes at a time before it started escalating again, they were able to get to a resolution in that same evening. And I think that's really powerful and speaks to what a 20 minute break can actually do for both parties. And then another tool is just simply opening your hands. And that's kind of a visual tool that I will use sometimes and it's as a reminder that you can't control how others perceive you or what you do. But all you can do is choose honesty and vulnerability. Okay, so we covered a lot of ground there but the next one is going to be the hardest hitting of all. The third part of this is when someone is sharing how they feel as a result of something that you did or you said Now this is hardcore, because it's not just someone making a comment to you in passing where you're being misunderstood, right? It's when someone is actually coming to the table and addressing how what you did made them feel. So they're already a invulnerable state. And you have the opportunity to also head into that vulnerable state with them, and not immediately defend yourself. And I will tell you, that everything we're about to cover in this part, is very hard to do and takes a lot of work and practice, I have for sure, not mastered it, but I have gotten degrees better over time. And so let's go through the steps. So in the scenario where someone is sharing how what you did or said, made them feel, we've already talked about techniques and tools as to how to calm your body down. But the next action you need to take for this specific scenario is trade your posture of defense, with curiosity? And this is a hard one for me for sure. Because instead of thinking, and having negative curiosity, in the sense of why would they ever think, why would I would never, as my brains thinking of all these reasons to prepare my speech for why I didn't do that? Or how could you think that I would do that? I have to be curious to what caused them to come to that conclusion. And my therapist has used this really funny analogy with me called the purple elephant analogy, where how it works is someone is basically saying there's a purple elephant in the room. No, not actually. Right. But this is the example. They're like, there's a purple elephant. What you did that caused me to feel purple elephant. And your immediate reaction is, are you insane? Like there's clearly not a purple elephant in this room. That response from me wrong. So wrong, so bad, never going to improve the situation. What I actually need to do instead is take that posture of curiosity and say, Tell me more about this. Tell me what you're seeing what you're feeling about this purple elephant being in the room right now. And if someone doesn't share kind of outright about how they're feeling, but you can tell whether it's their tone, or their body language, you can tell something is just off and that you might have had something to do with it. You can ask a tee up question like this, Hey, I'm noticing that something changed. Now this is where something changed, it'd be an actual label, hey, I'm noticing that your tone kind of got a little sharp? What caused this? Or did I do something that the causes? How did it make you feel? You can ask a myriad of questions that are genuinely about curiosity instead of trying to defend yourself and the tone matters more than anything else. Let me let me share why did I do something to hurt you? No one's gonna respond well to that, because now I'm like, holy cow. Why are we fighting? Hey, I'm noticing this insert, label whatever emotion you're thinking you're receiving from them? Did I? Did I do something to hurt you? Something like that. So much better, right? So much calmer. You're both entering into a more peaceful, centered conversation as a result of that. And here's an important piece is asking what and how questions. So start the question with what or how, instead of starting with why, because why comes across as accusatory, and we spoke about this in the questions episode. But it's important to definitely bring back for this because this is where it really matters. And let me tell you how powerful this has been. Because I used to make a habit of asking why questions? Why do you think I did that? Or why would you say that? Why would you think I did that? You know? Things were? That's not good. I would change it to how, how did you hear what I said? Or how did that come across? How did you feel when I said that? What did you have? What was my tone? Like when I said that? Question is like that opens the dialog and everyone feels safe. Nobody needs to defend nobody's accusing. You're just in a safe environment for conversation. And it's also really annoying. And when someone is discussing this and starts opening up, and you're asking curious questions that you let them speak fully. Now, when you're in a defensive state, the default setting is going to be to cut them off and prove why you did not do, what they're saying you did, or the actions you didn't mean anything. Active listening involves immediately not cutting somebody off, but letting them speak fully, even if they're pausing along the way, to make sure that their thoughts are clear for you to receive it the best way. And you can look up a technique called the speaker listener technique, I found that really helpful. We discussed open ended questions, power in the pause, and more like that everything is involved in this curiosity piece. So after you've been curious, which is part one, part two, is using a mirror technique. So let's say that you just asked them hate, blah, blah, blah, you know, like, how did that make you feel? Or you're asking questions that are making them give you a response and share their feelings openly. The mirror technique is when you simply repeat back to them what you just heard them say. So here's a mirroring example. Okay, so it sounds like and what I'm hearing you say is that you're frustrated with me because I left my shoes in the hallway, and you almost tripped on them, and almost got hurt. They're like, yes. Yeah, that's exactly right. Now, that's good. That's really good. If if you're on the same page there, because once you get to that mirroring technique, you then can move to step three, which is validating. But validating, is probably the hardest part of all, because how to validate if someone is by saying something like, yeah, I can see why that would frustrate you. Now, it comes across as if you are owning up to what you did was being wrong, your pride has to drop. But you're not saying that. You're actually just acknowledging, yeah, I can I can, your feelings are valid, I can see why that would frustrate you. It's huge. I mean, if you're able to validate someone else's feelings, even if yours aren't validated, that can calm most arguments, I am absolutely convinced of it. Because it has happened and worked for me. But the hardest point, or the hardest part is of course, getting to that point. And so after you validate, you can say well, yeah, that is I, I totally understand why you'd be frustrated by that. And that definitely was not my intention. So I'm sorry. And sometimes you don't even need to say sorry, if you weren't necessarily in the wrong, someone is just kind of sharing that they're frustrated, or they are insert emotion as a result of what you did. Be honest, hey, I can see why. And that wasn't my intention. You have to be so cautious and aware of your body language and your tone when you're sharing this because it's not going to work if you don't actually see why they feel that way. And to be honest, that has happened to me multiple times where someone is explaining something to me, and I literally can't see it. I can't see it at all, which if I can't see and can't empathize with how they're feeling. That means I'm not being curious enough. And I need to ask some more questions, so that I can fully see that quote, purple, a purple elephant that they're trying to describe to me. And so along with that, a major thing I've been learning is the power of taking accountability. So I would say that that is step four here. And that can look like something such as you just snapped at somebody. And they're like, hey, that really came across as sharp. Was that your intention? No. Oh, man. Yeah, actually, I can see why you would feel that way. And my tone did come across a sharp I'm sorry. That was not my intention. I did not mean for that to come across them. I'm frustrated, but I should not have taken it out on you. So to recap, when someone's approaching you trying to state how what you did or said made them feel and your body is flashing the red light to go in fight response and defend yourself. Step one. Be curious. Step two. Mirror, step three, validate step four, accountability when applicable. And step five, getting to a resolution. Here's some just quick things I want to say about that. A great analogy that I have learned to reach resolution is to actually ask this question. How can I take the paint off the wall? Now there needs to be more context before you ask this question. But the example is, let's say that you just went into someone's room and threw hot pink paint all over the wall, saying, Sorry, doesn't get the paint off the wall, the paint is literally still in the room. So you might be sorry, they might forgive you. But you still need to figure out how you can take the paint off the wall. And that's how you move towards resolution and reconciliation. And sometimes they might say, I don't know. But you can still hold the space for that. To ask, Well, I do want to know, because I don't want this to be eating you up. And you thinking that, you know, I, I did this on purpose are meant to do it, I really feel a lot of remorse. And I want to know what I can do. And then other times, someone knows immediately what you can do. And it's a sorry, plus something else taking an action. Maybe it's maybe you let slip out a name that you called someone just out of your anger. And someone's How can you take the paint off their wall is, I need to know that you don't really think that about me. And that that was just something in the heat of the moment. And then you have the opportunity to say absolutely high did not mean to say that I let frustration get the best of me. And I chose to use those words. And I'm sorry. And just a great question to keep in mind when we go through these types of conversations that are no doubt difficult. The question is, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be reconciled? Because if you want to defend yourself, if I want to defend myself, then I'm saying through my behavior, I'd rather be right than be reconciled. And I know that all of us watching this video would rather be reconciled than be right ultimately, because we all want to learn and grow in this area and become less defensive. Together, we drop a new episode every other week, and we have some amazing conversations coming up, such as how to improve my relationship with money, how to navigate long distance, friendships, and relationships and so much more. So make sure to subscribe, follow along, and hey, if you liked this video, you're probably going to like this one, too, because we're talking all about how to ask better questions, which can definitely help in situations and conversations, like these. So that's it for this one. Let's all choose to be a little bit less defensive and take action on it today. We'll see you next time.