Accidentally Intentional

7 Thoughts That Are Holding Us Back From Incredible Relationships (And The Mindset Shifts Needed To Change This)

July 06, 2023 Zoe Asher Season 2 Episode 14
Accidentally Intentional
7 Thoughts That Are Holding Us Back From Incredible Relationships (And The Mindset Shifts Needed To Change This)
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

I think it's safe to say that we honestly ALL want amazing relationships. The problem is, so often, we are the ones standing in our own way. So in this episode, speaking from personal experience and SO so many conversations with others in my life, I've gathered up 7 major assumptions/excuses/negative thoughts/limiting beliefs that we tend to believe and hold onto as truth, and then share 7 mindset shifts we NEED in order to unlock these awesome relationships we've been searching for.

Previous Accidentally Intentional episodes that were referenced in this one:
How To Be Less Awkward When Meeting Someone
10 Ways & Activities To Meet New People And Make New Friends

Support the show

Remember, you're worth having and building relational wealth! The connection you’ve been looking for is on the way, and it all starts by being Accidentally Intentional.

Did you know we also have a YouTube channel?! It's true, just for all of you lovers of visual formats! For the video version of this episode, head to the Accidentally Intentional YouTube channel!

Join the conversation and follow along on Instagram! I respond to DM's! Let's converse! Say hi, or share your biggest takeaways! I'm all ears! @accidentallyintentional or @zoeasher

Unknown:

70% of people do not have a single person that they can call in the middle of a crisis. Let's face it, we are relationally broke. And my mission is to make that percentage zero. But how? By building relational wealth, the embodiment of all your relationships with yourself with others, and experiences that enrich your life. I promise you, this podcast will help you build wealth in every way that money cannot. And it all starts by being accidentally intentional. Let's begin. What's up, guys, and welcome back to another accidentally intentional podcast episode. So if you listened, the last episode we did was all about the future of AI and how it is going to impact our relationships, unless we put the proper safeguards in place, and go pursue finding incredible relationships in our lives right now. And I know that there's a lot of discomfort in going out and creating new opportunities for friendships and relationships, because we have to get out of our comfort zone. So I want to 100% empathize with that. That was me for so many years of my life. And in this episode, today, I actually want to cover eight different assumptions, mindset shifts, and thought processes that you need to have in order to build great relationships. And I say mindset shifts that need to happen. Because these are eight types of thoughts that we've all had, that if we let that thought play louder than anything else in our head, we will not move forward and build great relationships. So I'm just gonna hop into it. Right now, the number one, one thought process that many of us may feel, depending on the scenario and environment in which we're in is the thought of, I don't belong here. You know, a couple years ago, I was at a networking event for work. And immediately when I walked in the room, I realized there's a huge discrepancy between myself and everyone else in the room. One, there was a huge age gap between me and everyone else, too. It felt like everyone else in the room knew so much more than me was walking with so much more confidence than me was dressing differently than me. And so I automatically had to stop right when I walked in the door of I do not belong here at all. And I honestly started to panic a little bit, because I thought I need to find a way out of here, because this is just not for me. But then I actually said this sentence under my breath, to reverse all of this. I said, So you belong in this room, go get it. And it was pretty crazy what that mindset shift did for me, because I then walked in there with confidence, knowing that for some reason I'm here. So because I'm here, I belong in the room. And I ended up having an incredibly deep conversation with someone else that that joined later on in the evening, that had a lot in common with me. And I'm so glad that I forced myself to shift that mentality because that conversation, and that connection would have never happened, had I counted it out with that first thought of I don't belong here. So we need to flip, I don't belong here to I belong in the room. The second mindset shift we need to have is over the sentence that we've all said, and all probably felt at some point or another. And it's this thought of, I don't want to be a bother to people, I'm going to bother them. So I'm just not going to do that. You know What's so weird about that? That we decide for other people, before even giving them the opportunity to do so for themselves? What if we flipped that to instead of I don't want to bother people? You know what I'm not going to answer for other people. And I'm going to ask, anyways, whether it's hanging out with someone asking for a favor. Maybe it's just getting uncomfortable and wanting to spend time with someone because you haven't spent time for a while you don't know where they are, how do they even still feel about you? You know, we can get into these spirals really quickly. So we need to have a mindset shift of I'm not going to answer for other people. I'm not going to actually believe that I'm a bother. Because if we actually believe we're a bother it we start acting like a bother. And then we're bothered by ourselves. And I was having a conversation the other week with someone who said this exact sentence to me. They were saying that they were having trouble creating some new friendships and relationships in their life. And I said, Well, hey, like why don't you invite people over to your apartment? Have fun? Have a meal, get pizza now anything else? Like, who cares? It doesn't need to be a big fiasco food wise, it's it's the conversations and what happens in the room, that's much more important than what you eat in the room, right? And what's 100% true is that nothing will happen. If we're always waiting for others, we have to go first. And one of the ways that you can go first is by asking to hang out with someone. So again, to recap, number two, we need to have the mindset shift to change. I don't want to bother people, or assuming that we're bothering people to I'm not going to assume that I'm bothering people. Number three, this is a parallel kind of thought that many of us have had is oh, they're just too busy. You know, I can't ask them, I know that they have their hands full right now. And this is asking someone to hang out. That's what what we're talking about here. We're not saying anything crazy, just like, hey, I want to spend time with you. Here's what I've learned to be true is, if someone wants that to happen, they will make it happen. And this often is a thought process that people assume probably with good intentions, whenever there's a major life change that happens. So for instance, you know, a couple that gets married, you know, a couple that has kids, you know, a couple that has had a death in the family major life shifting, alter major life altering events happening, and we try and carefully in order to care for them, assume that they're just too busy to hang out. Now being fully transparent with you. I have recently gotten married. So I know exactly what this feels like. And I also have friends who have recently had kids, and they tell me, man, we wish people would want to hang out with us, or invite us to hang out. And I was really moved by that because it changed my mind on this very thing. Because here I was assuming Oh, well, now you have your hands full with kids, like, you're probably not available. People actually want the gift of being able to say, hey, no, not this time. But please keep me in mind in the future. So that's what I'm talking about. When I say if people want something to happen, they will make it happen. So again, to recap, number three, we need to shift the thought of, they're too busy to, I'm going to ask them anyways, number four thought process we have, that's not a really good assumption. It's the one of they don't like me, or they don't want to hang out. I find this really interesting, because when we're really down on ourselves, it's easy to have this thought. But what I have learned is most important across the board, in any relationship that you have, assume the best intentions of someone, especially when you're texting, right? And there's a major lack of communication when it comes to body language and tone. So if you're texting someone, and they're texting blindly, or they don't use emojis, and you're like, Oh, my God, they hate me. Why don't we just assume the best of intentions? You know, there's this quote I heard once that said, clarity is kindness. So if there's a lack of clarity, and you're not sure, and you're not sure if you're being paranoid or not want to ask for clarification in those communication gaps, and assume the best intentions. And there is this research, actually, by Marisa Franco, who is a PhD friendship scientist, and her research found that people are less likely to reject you than you think. Isn't that fascinating? Here we are just assuming everybody hates me, everybody's looking at me. You know, we all have these thoughts, right? Everybody's doing this, Oh, my word. We gotta let go of that. Right? That's only going to hold us back. And instead, we need to have the best assumptions and believe the best about people and also know that the research now proves that incorrect people are less likely to reject you, than you think. That's the truth. That's science. So let's walk in confidence. Now, the number five thought or sentence that I think 100% needs to change in order to grow our relationships is the following sentence. Let's hang out soon. Now, you might be thinking, That sounds pretty good to me. Seems like there's nothing wrong with that. That's saying, Hey, I I want to make plans. Let's build this relationship, you know, but here's the problem that I have with that. And that I've learned the hard way is an issue is soon is not a day in the calendar. And this is a really funny situation that I found myself in because I had this acquaintance who would see me probably once a month, and every time she saw me, she would say hey, let's hang out soon. So one day, I literally whipped out my phone and said, Great, open your calendar. Let's plan it right now. And she, she was so taken aback by it. Because it got her out of this rhythm of just saying soon to actually making something happen. So the mindset shift is, instead of saying, Let's hang out soon, hey, let's plan a date right now, to hang out and meet up. The next mindset shift that's necessary in order to build great relationships is changing the thought, Oh, I'm just so awkward. I'm so shy. And we were all going to be uncomfortable. Okay, when meeting new people, I actually did a test on my own, with a with a group of individuals in a small group that I led a couple years ago. And I actually opened the small group by asking the following question, how many of you in the room would say that you're awkward when you first meet people? Not shockingly, every single person in the room raise their hand, including myself. So maybe we're not awkward. That's just normal. Meeting new people, and having a first conversation is uncomfortable because you are literally talking to a stranger. So what if we shifted that mindset? And instead of saying, I'm so awkward and shy, we replaced that with, you know, what? I'm capable, and worth having awesome relationships? What if we said that imagine the confidence that we would walk in, even though we feel uncomfortable, even though we might feel shy, and even though we might feel awkward? And as a side note, I actually did an episode a couple months back on Help, I'm so awkward, what do I do. And it's all about five body language cues that you can use to help make yourself and others around, you feel more comfortable to engage in conversation, I'm actually going to link it in the description or up here. If you're listening on YouTube, the next thought that a lot of us might have when we're not feeling super confident, or honestly not feeling good about ourselves is they don't really care about me. I know that they don't really actually care about me at all. And so here's what I would say. If you've had that thought recently, who told you that? I'm willing to bet, nobody told you that? You told yourself that. You might be saying to me in response, oh, well, they didn't have to tell me that. I could tell. I could tell by how they implied it or what they said here. Listen, if we're going to assume the best of intentions, then we straight up cannot assume that people don't really care about us. We're gonna have to do some some digging, and have conversations of hey, you know, I might totally be off base. And I want you to correct me. If so, but I wanted to be super transparent. I feel like you don't really care about me right now, that is going to be a ridiculously uncomfortable conversation to have. But guess what opportunities you unlock by showing that vulnerability, one. You give them the gift of your vulnerability, and they can choose to respond and be vulnerable as well. There's a lot of things that can happen in that conversation. They can be like, no, no, no, no, no, it's not they don't care about you. I am so sorry. That's not what I meant, at all. I'm so distracted right now, because this is going on in my life. But I do care about you. If we don't bring stuff like this to the table and share how we're feeling. If it's beyond the point of realizing I'm just, I'm being stupid, I'm being paranoid, I need to get over that, of course, they care about me. And if you truly aren't sure, then definitely have this conversation. But my hope is that most of the time, we can replace those lies with truth that we know based upon evidence, and data previously, and again, a lot of that goes back to assuming the best of intentions which I for one have to learn to get better at every single day myself. We just went through this list of eight, right? And you might be thinking that was really great, but I actually don't know how I can switch my mind to think any of those because quite honestly, you might be listening and you don't feel worthy or fill in the blank for what you actually feel like when they're not positive things. Well, I guarantee you this. You are created for connection. And connection isn't going to come knocking on your door. We have to decide to go first. We have to extend ourselves and get uncomfortable at the expense of one being more uncomfortable at the expense of being hurt. So many risks are involved and every single risk is worth it for finding the beauty and depth of building rich relationships. And so if nobody has told you this lately, I'd love to be the one to tell you that. You're amazing. And I don't need to know you to know that because you're here. You're amazing. And you're worth amazing relationships, too. In another episode, I talked about 10, places, activities and kind of areas in which you can build great friendships this year, I'll link that episode as well. But one of the through lines between both of these episodes is this concept of, well, I'm around all these people all the time. And I don't really know how to, you know, build further connections than just small talk? Well, first, it's important to know that you're not alone in that. And you are one question one deep conversation away from beginning that? And what if you asked that first question, just out of pure, pure curiosity. And if you're just feeling uncomfortable, because you think nobody sees you at all, let me tell you this crazy research that I just discovered, as well. This research is also from Marisa Franco, the friendship scientist. And it's this thing called the mere exposure effect. Here's what it says. The mere exposure effect is our tendency to unconsciously like people, just because they're familiar to us. So the next time you feel like you're completely not seen, but you keep showing up places and keep showing up doing a certain activity, whether that's a fitness class, et cetera. This mere exposure effect could just be working in your favor. Because people start to like what's familiar to them? The only thing standing between you and another potential friendship is mindset. And the willingness to be temporarily uncomfortable to find the type of relationship that you've been looking for. So hey, I hope you found this episode. Encouraging know that I am rooting for you and cheering you on as we together. Continue on our quest to build relational wealth and really rich relationships. We'll see you next time.

Thought #1 That Is Holding Us Back
Thought #2 That Holds Us Back
Thought #3 That Holds Us Back
Thought #4 That Holds Us Back
Thought #5 That Holds Us Back
Thought #6 That Holds Us Back
Thought #7 That Holds Us Back
If You're Thinking "I'm Not Worthy Of Having Good Friends...If Only You Knew Who I Really Am"...Listen to this part.
Science on what continuing to "show up' actually does