Accidentally Intentional

The Relational Wealth Starter Kit! What You'll NEED To Build & Keep Healthy Relationships (Do This FIRST!)

January 19, 2023 Zoe Asher Season 2 Episode 2
Accidentally Intentional
The Relational Wealth Starter Kit! What You'll NEED To Build & Keep Healthy Relationships (Do This FIRST!)
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Nobody seems to be talking about this...and I think it's time we stop sweeping it under the rug. In this episode, we discuss what separates healthy relationships for all the rest, and how you are capable from building and keeping these healthy relationships in your own life moving forward. But...there's a catch.

Special thank you to this episode's sponsor: The Party Q's App, the FREE app that offers a HUGE variety of thought-provoking and conversation-starting questions to break the ice and get the party going. Party Q's is the ultimate wingman for your social life. Available on the App Store and Google Play. Download Party Qs today - You will love it!

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Remember, you're worth having and building relational wealth! The connection you’ve been looking for is on the way, and it all starts by being Accidentally Intentional.

Did you know we also have a YouTube channel?! It's true, just for all of you lovers of visual formats! For the video version of this episode, head to the Accidentally Intentional YouTube channel!

Join the conversation and follow along on Instagram! I respond to DM's! Let's converse! Say hi, or share your biggest takeaways! I'm all ears! @accidentallyintentional or @zoeasher


70% of people do not have a single person that they can call in the middle of a crisis. Let's face it, we are relationally broke. And my mission is to make that percentage zero. But how? By building relational wealth, the embodiment of all your relationships with yourself with others and experiences that enrich your life. I promise you this podcast will help you build wealth in every way that money cannot. And it all starts by being accidentally intentional. Let's begin. Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another accidentally intentional podcast episode. Now to recap, if you listen to the last episode, then we learned a couple things. One, 70% of people don't have a single person that could call in the middle of a crisis, this breaks my heart, it may break yours as well. Or maybe you're saying, Dang, this is me, this podcast is for you. If so, because I am on a mission to reverse that percentage and make it zero. And in order to do that, we have to build relational wealth, which is what I define as the embodiment of all your relationships with others with things and with experiences that enrich your life. But this episode is the one that sets the foundation and is the fundamentals for building relational wealth. But before I go any further, I just want to shout out today's sponsor, the party cues app, which is the number one questions app for conversation starters, I love this app so much, I use it frequently. And I'm gonna share more about that later. But right now we're diving into what I'm calling the relational wealth starter kit. So maybe you've self identified as being part of that 70% of people that doesn't have a clue who they would call in the middle of a crisis. And maybe you are not, maybe you're the 30% that knows exactly who they would call, but you still want to continue building relational wealth, you're thinking I have great relationships, and I want even more, this podcast is for all of us, as well. But to build relational wealth, we have to start all the way back at the beginning, for the first steps where it all truly begins. And if you're thinking I'm assuming this episode is gonna go on along the lines of Let me guess the first step is go out and meet somebody. No, not yet. It's even before that. And it all starts with an assessment to figure out exactly what type of relationships you're looking for. And I find this interesting, right? Because whenever you're going into a romantic relationship, you usually have attributes and characteristics and traits that you're looking for. But why is it that so often, we only enclose that to romantic relationships, and not think of all of our relationships the same way. So in order to start this assessment, let's first think about characteristics and traits that you would want in a relationship of any kind. But let's hone in on one type of relationship for the purpose of this exercise. Okay, let's say that relationship is friendship, that's what you're looking for, I would definitely recommend whipping out a notebook right now. So that we can start thinking through and writing down characteristics and traits that ideally, you would want in a friendship that may seem overwhelming, you either may have a ton of traits that come flooding into your brain, or you're not even sure where to start. So to help you, I ran a study myself, I took a survey and asked people what traits were most important to them, and their relationships. And here is the top 10 list of what they shared. And of course, as I'm going through this, feel free to pick some of these out if they hit you, and you're like, Yeah, this is what I'm looking for. The goal is for you to identify three traits and characteristics that stand out to you for an ideal friendship. Okay, top 10 answers, here we go. Ride or Die mentality, someone who's just by your side through thick and thin, no matter what. To not judgmental, especially when being vulnerable. Number three, loyalty. Number four, they're reliable, they're there for me when I need them. Number five, trustworthy or committed anything along those lines, genuine and authentic. Now this one, I blend it all together and has to do with having a growth mindset, which sometimes means taking accountability, and someone who's willing to meet me where I'm at, but also wants to support how I want to grow. honest and open communication. Another one, they check in on you, and if you're not okay, they're willing to jump in and walk with you through it. Another one has grace for me and assumes the best of intentions always. And then, the final one on the list was depth, just wanting more depth and not staying on the surface level. So Now that I've read that top 10 list, I think that was actually 11, I want you to pause this and write down three characteristics or traits that you would say are the most important to you. Now, obviously, we can write a list of probably 25 things that would mean something to us. But let's narrow it down to three for now, so it's not overwhelming. Okay, so once you have written those three down, we're ready to move forward. Just to give you an example, my three that are most important to me, when it comes to friendship is loyalty slash support. That's I blend it together, they have a growth mindset. And they're trustworthy. I can trust them. Okay, so we've written these three down, right? We know exactly what three characteristics and traits are most important to us in a friendship, but here is the gut punch question. Are you this type of friend? Do you define these traits and characteristics already? In your existing friendships? Now, this smacked me in the face when I first thought about this, because the truth was, No, I did not. And am I always perfect at them today? No, I am not. But is it fair for me to set the expectation for other people to be that for me, if I am not also willing to be that first? And to them? Why is this important? Because you're looking for like minded people, and people who already exude, those characteristics are looking for you. So it's important to figure out and take a minute of self reflection, to actually think through and give yourself a grade of, am I getting an A plus, in this? Am I being these 3am? I being for instance, if it was me, am I being loyal and supportive? To my closest circle? Do I exude a growth mindset? Do people feel like they can trust me? So let's give yourself a grade. But before you're about to say, oh, yeah, I mean, I think I'm, I think I'm doing well hang on, because I'm about to share with you how you can in fact, find out if you are exuding those characteristics and traits already. And that is the most important part of all of this. So this entire podcast is about building relational wealth, and creating deep, rich relationships. And on the subject of depth, I have to bring up party cues, which is such an incredible tool for meaningful conversation. If you listen to the last episode, which I'll link then you heard how uncomfortable and awkward it was in my journey and conquest to make new friends. I wish I had the particules app when I started this relational wealth journey. But thankfully, I do now and you can do what is party queues you ask party queues is a free app that offers a variety of thought provoking and conversation starting questions to break the ice and to get the party going with party cues. There are no more boring or service conversations. And there is no more awkward silences, or stumbling for something to say. Because with party cues, you'll have a never ending supply of interesting and unique topics to discuss. So it's pretty incredible. Whether you're at a dinner party or a networking event, or just hanging out with friends, party cues will guarantee a great time and depth of conversation. You can think of party cues as the ultimate wingman for your social life. I love whipping out the party Q's app and asking my friends or my husband the questions that are here so that we can get to know each other even better. So the next time you're planning a get together a date, a Hangout, a one on one, anything where conversation is important, then don't forget to bring along party cues, which as a reminder is a free app that you can download right now on the App Store and on Google Play. So let the good times roll my friend, download the free app, I promise you, you'll love it. Okay, so we've narrowed down the three most important characteristics and traits for us. And then we've just graded ourselves on whether we already embodying these traits or if we need some work. Now there is an important caveat that I want to discuss here that we don't always think through. But it's important to land the plane it take a second to unpack the idea of expectations, right? Because what means one thing to you could mean something completely different to someone else. So I'm gonna go through each of those 10 traits, and explain to different sides for each one so that we can grasp why it's important to understand what that expectation what that trait means to someone else as well. Because Ride or Die mentality, for instance, may mean to someone that they want someone by their side, no matter what, even to their own detriment, even if that means just do whatever I want to do and roll with me. Well, if you have a growth mindset, then you aren't necessarily looking for that type of Ride or Die mentality. You instead are looking for the ride or die mentality of someone who will support your growth and will ride with you through that I can consider loyalty kind of in the same bucket. The characteristic of not being judgmental, especially when being vulnerable is an interesting one. Because this is where it would be important to set an expectation beforehand, of perhaps telling someone to just listen, you don't want them to fix the situation, you're just opening your heart and sharing it with them. Because for some people, when you're being vulnerable, and somebody immediately comes in with a response, you may feel startled a bit, because you're just trying to share, you weren't looking for a resolution. But by someone entering in and giving their advice or input, it makes you feel like they're immediately judging you, because they have a solution, and you didn't. So that's just something to be on the lookout for the characteristic of reliable someone who's there for me, when I need them, I know that this is especially important for men are the people that I care about, they're for me when I need them. And it almost sounds like at face value, it's just a need basis thing. But when you dig a little deeper, you know that it's more than that. But reliability is a very important thing. Now, I would say if reliability is on your top three list, take time to think about what your expectations around reliability look like. Because if you want someone to answer the phone for you four times a day, and always be available, is that fair to somebody else? And if that was done on the opposite, someone wanted you to be reliable like that? Would that feel overwhelming? Would that be too much of an expectation, something for you to think about someone who's trustworthy and committed. Now this is on my top three list. But let me explain what trust looks like to me. I don't make people audition for my trust, before I share something vulnerable with them. I actually am someone who definitely leads with vulnerability. So I take the approach of I'm going to share something with you. And I guess as a result of that, I will be able to see whether you want to hold that with care or not. So I'm not someone who lives in the camp of you need to earn my trust, before I share something with you. I figured out if someone is trustworthy by sharing open handedly, something with them about myself. And then they get to choose whether they want to hold that or not. Yes, that's risky. But I mean, this entire concept of building relational wealth is a risk, but it is a risk worth taking. Now the trait of genuine and authentic is something that I think we all honestly want, especially in a day of social media, where you have no idea what someone is actually like off camera, right? We all want that alignment to be there. But we also have to put ourselves on the hook in that. And continuously self reflect on am I someone who was authentic and always shows up as the same person. Because let's be honest, it's frustrating when someone when you don't know which version of someone is showing up. Now, of course, that's where giving grace to someone comes into play. But if you are working on being genuine and authentic yourself, then I of course believe you're going to find people that are that way as well. That next trait, this growth mindset and accountability piece. If this was on your list, then something to think about here is that you're looking for someone who's willing to meet you where you're at, and also walks with you in the direction that you want to grow into. But you need to keep in mind that you also have to be that friend. So yes, there may be frustrating times, if you're looking for a friendship, and someone's like, hey, I want to grow. And they say they want to grow. But then their actions aren't necessarily aligning with that. At first, the at first is important. There becomes a breaking point I understand where you have to call someone on, hey, you're saying this, but you're doing this, what do you actually want. And I truly believe that one of the greatest gifts is having friends that can encourage you and pull you up when you fall down and be like, Hey, let's get back up. Let's keep walking in the same direction that you've wanted to. Because those friendships are truly life giving honest and open communication is absolutely imperative when you are communicating openly and honestly, there's a couple things to keep in mind. One, if you don't feel you can be honest with someone, then obviously that's going to put a cap on the depth of the relationship. But on the other hand, you have to be a good what's the was a good word for it a good steward of someone's heart when you are communicating openly and honestly, for instance, if you are saying things that are honestly rude and you are masking it by saying that's just how I am or I'm just blunt like that, or I don't have a filter, that's something you should want to work on. Because we can all do a better job of communicating without harming someone or or causing hurt feelings or making it an emotional disaster. This is something I definitely need to work I am not getting 100% on all of these, let me make this clear this is continual work that I have to do, as well in my efforts to put deposits into building relational wealth every single day. Now if putting on your list, someone who checks in on me, and if I'm not, okay wants to walk with me, something to keep in mind for this specific trait is setting the expectation of what's reasonable for people checking in on you, because I have a couple close friends like this, who wants to be checked on. But on the other hand, I don't know to check in on you if I don't know anything. So this kind of has both sides of the coin here, where if you are someone who wants to be checked in on, I think it's fair to say that you need to be willing to be vulnerable and share what's going on in your life so that people then have the opportunity to understand check in specifically on that and see where you're at, if the trait has grace for me, or assumes the best of intentions was on your list. I love this one. And it's really hard. Because we're all human, believing the best of intentions is absolutely paramount for having deep, rich relationships. And along with that, you have to have grace for people when they come up short. And on the other hand, what a gift it is to have people in your life and in your corner who have that type of grace for you. And then the last one was depth. What does that even mean? Right? I like to define depths as going beneath the surface, and truly getting to know someone's heart. Now, there are questions that you can dig into to get to know someone's heart. Should you start off with them? No, that's a little bit intimidating for people. For instance, one of my favorite questions to ask people is, what is your biggest passion, I'm not going to come up to a stranger and start with what is your biggest passion, that's gonna be four or five layers down in the conversation, but finding questions that are meaningful to you. If death is important to you, it is important for you to articulate exactly what depth means to you and come up for definitions of these traits and characteristics so that you have an understanding of what these expectations look like for you. And then as you're creating new relationships, you can find out what the expectation means to the other person. And also something important to note here, though, we have been talking about friendships as the example the relationship for this, your traits may not be the same across the board for all your relationships. For instance, the traits that I looked for, when it came to pursuing romantic relationships. And now my husband is different than the traits I look for in a friendship is different than traits that I love about my siblings, right? So context is key in this. Okay, so I shared earlier that I was going to help you exactly figure out if you are the friend that embodies the traits and characteristics you're already looking for. And here's what it is. Okay, it's a kicker of a question. And it may feel intimidating to you. But you should ask, you should ask the existing relationships in your life a question, two versions of this question, one, how do you receive me? How do I come across to you as? Or you can say, Am I good at being insert the characteristic? Or give me another version? Like? Do you think I'm a loyal friend? Now it's important if you're going to ask this question that you share. I'm not asking to be insecure and to be puffed up, right? So I want your honest answer, because we're not asking for someone to be like, Yeah, you're doing great only to find out that we're not actually doing so hot in that area, what we're looking for is an area of opportunity in which we can improve upon. And you can even ask a relationship in your life, what three traits and characteristics would you use to describe who I am inviting people into this process shows a lot of things. One, it shows that you really want to walk with them and do this thing called life together. But two, it shows that you're committed to doing the work to improve upon this, once you figure out where you need to improve upon, you know exactly what to do to get there. And if you don't know exactly what to do, you can ask someone to give me an example. Hey, if if you don't think that I'm trustworthy, can you help me understand how I can be more trustworthy? And what that would look like, in your mind? Because if this is a relationship worth pursuing, then you obviously want to know that and it gives you the opportunity to once you hear that from them, share what would be important to you as well. And I think this concept is, is one that's quite simple when you think about it, right? Because at work and at our jobs, we have Checketts to see where we're doing great, where we have areas to improve and growth opportunities there. But why don't we put that concept into our relationships as well. So essentially, this is now doing that. And as I said, it's time to take action after you compiled all this data from other people in your life. And I love this quote from James clear in his atomic habits book, because a mindset shift has to happen. He says, quote, that by taking the correct actions, you're casting a vote for the person you want to become. So let's say I'm thinking about a friend. And I know that they're a friend that wants to be checked in on I'm going to take an intentional effort to reach out to that friend and say, Hey, I'm thinking about you, checking on you, I remember that you asked me about this. How are you doing? How is it going? Because guess what that's doing that's casting a vote for I'm a friend that checks in on my friends. I'm a friend that cares about others. And when you start casting votes, that becomes an identity that you then believe and embody, so that you can turn around down the road and say, Yeah, I'm a trustworthy friend. Yeah, I'm a loyal friend. Yeah, I'm someone who's honest and committed. Yeah, insert whatever it is for you. But it's the willingness to do the work to become the type of relationship with the trait and characteristic that you have always wanted. exuding those characteristics and trait will attract people who have those same wants and desires, loyal friends, look for loyal friends, trustworthy people surround themselves with trustworthy people. Okay, so we've taken the assessment, we've figured out what three traits and characteristics are most important to us in the relationship that we're looking for. Once we found the three that were most important to us, we graded ourselves on whether we already embody those characteristics and traits, or not. And then we went through defining what it actually means to you what those characteristics mean, specifically to you, then, our goal is to go to people in our lives, and ask them to grade us on how we're showing up so that we can find the areas of opportunity and where we can grow. After all of that is complete, it's time to take action, and cast a vote for yourself in all of those areas, so that you can become the type of friend you've always wanted. And the goal is to do all of this, for the purpose of building relational wealth with yourself first. Because how you show up for yourself and how you care about yourself, is the overflow of everything else in your life. Personal Growth is imperative to building relational wealth. Because without that, any relationship has the potential to stagnate. Because if one person wants to grow, and the other person does not, there's going to be a disconnect that happens. But if you are someone who's on a journey to grow personally and in one area, and you find someone else who wants that as well guess what you're running in the same direction. I hope this assessment has helped you hone in and lock into exactly what you're looking for, how to become it, how to take action, and start building relational wealth. And in an episode in the future, I'm going to share with you what you need to know before you go and meet somebody new and start building that relationship with another person. But Next up, I'm really excited because we have a series on relational health, how we show up in our health in so many different areas of our life, mental, physical, spiritual, is so important for building relational wealth as well. So I hope you are excited about that. And if you've already felt like, oh, I don't want to hear about this. I've already fallen off the wagon with my New Year's resolution. Hey, first off, let's have some grace for ourselves, right? You're gonna love this conversation. It was very eye opening for me. Make sure to subscribe so that you automatically get that downloaded. And again, special shout out to party cues for sponsoring today's episode. Go download this free app. I promise you won't regret it. It's the ultimate conversation starting machine. Love you guys. We'll see you next time.

The Relational Wealth Starter Kit: The Tools You Need BEFORE You Jump Into Building Healthy Relationships With Others
Step #1 in The Relational Wealth Assessment
The 10 Most Important Traits People Look For In Relationships
Step #2 in The Relational Wealth Assessment
Step #3 - Time To Grade
Expectations & Pitfalls/Things To Watch For With Top 10 Character Traits
Step #4 - Defining What These Mean To You + Expectations
Step #5 - How Find Out If You Are An Awesome Friend (Or insert relationship of choice)
What Happens Next